Franz Marie Cruz’s Diary

So far, orientation to the 3-year residency program of Ophtha in PGH has been OVERWHELMING and INTIMIDATING. As an incoming first year resident I’ll start out at the bottom rung, the scum in the food chain and even after 4 years of premed and 5 years of med school, I am back to square one and with a clean slate. It is scary. I am very much anxious about the coming year. Foremost of my apprehensions is the fear of the mistakes I am bound to make and its consequences and repercussions. I just hope they won’t be as grave as to cause any disability to my patients and that every future mistake is the first and last of its kind. Lesson learned guaranteed. I am scared of getting on the bad side of my seniors, of becoming the target of their anger. Even before I was accepted to the department, I was already faced with 2 big hurdles: to disprove my unfavorable psych report and to measure up to my consultants’ expectations of me. When I think about the challenges and workload that lie ahead of me (and right now it’s as vague as the images seen by a highly myopic person without corrective lenses) and I begin to doubt myself and the decisions I am making, I just try to remember the valuable "lessons" I learned from my "application period" in Phi. Perform to the utmost of my abilities. Never settle for mediocrity. Show the right attitude towards work, my patients, and my seniors and batchmates AT ALL TIMES. Humility, sensitivity, resourcefulness, academic integrity, etc. Take one day at a time. (But in my case, it is more like one morning at a time as Ophtha residents start their day real early… 5ish am and it’s always so hard for me to get out of bed before 8am…. I abuse my snooze until I find myself later on rushing to get on my post on time). Anyway, it is just a year and I will be getting the BEST possible training in the ONLY department I like in PGH and in the Philippines. They’ve said over and over again that first year is the most difficult year but also that it’ll only get better past it. Besides, I really can’t see myself as any other else than an ophtha resident in PGH. But hell, it is still scary. I do not know anything. Everything is so expensive. Ganun pa rin, I just hope this is really God’s plan for me.

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